My Quarter Life Crisis

I wasn’t a normal kid and am not a normal guy.  When I was very young, I had a huge red fro, big brown glasses and sounded like a girl. I hated peanut butter and jelly, hated camp, never learned the months of the year, never learned to swim, thought I could paint like Bob Ross, thought I was going to play professional baseball and pitch, and learned what ejaculation was while humping my parents couch at 1AM watching playboy while they were out — and then they walked in on me.

I can’t remember much from elementary school except that I fake married a girl named Danielle who sneezed and had a snot that ran from her nose down to the floor, about 4 feet long while we were being married. It was caught on tape. How lovely. I loved bowling — I remember that because I was hit by a car at the age of 6 while looking for change (pennys & quarters — yes, I’m jewish) on the ground at my next door neighbors house right before my family was going bowling. See, the week before, I found a quarter so I thought if I went back, I would find more money. Guess what? I found another quarter and some pennies. A few seconds later,  I was hit by a 67 corvette and dragged several feet, my head was cracked wide open and I nearly died. I have a nice scar on my forehead from it.  My neighbor told the judge he thought I was a garbage pale.

I remember my first kiss. I’m not sure if I was in high school at that point. I was very young and the girl’s name was Christina. Blonde. Old than I was. Much taller than I was. I was at my best friend Kevin’s house sitting on his steps downstairs and she asked if I wanted to do it — and that was it. I always seem to find the crazy ones. A few months later I found out she had been in the hospital because she tried committing suicide.

I remember most of high school.  Some of the worst and best times.  I still loved bowling by the way and played on the high school team.  I had 1 or 2 very close friends. We started clubbing at an early age, like 12.  I would rave and dance and party.  We went every single week. Mom or Dad took us. I got deep into it, became a club promoter, had guest lists, went on the beach and handed out passes, became a bartender (serving soda), met a TON of girls and always had 4-5 girlfriends at once.  I even remember a girl named Erica decided to surprise me and come over one day when I was 15 or 16 and was making out with another girl in front of my house when her and her mom pulled up. Disaster!

I was friends with mostly black kids in my high school all through high school and had scattered friends all over long island.  I worked on a Captain Doug as a first mate, helping people bait and rig their rods, cutting fish, etc… for 2 summers. I worked for McDonalds, Walmart and the like.

The bad stuff during high school is a waste to even write about.  I have red hair. I’m pale. It wasn’t easy!

From about 16-18, I had this one puerto rican girlfriend that my friend hooked me up with. Every guy in the school wanted her and I had her. I’m not sure I was really the only one that had her but I’d like to think I was. I lost my virginity to her while the ball dropped in the year 2000.  I broke up with her right before college thinking I would have hundreds of girlfriends but it didn’t exactly work out that way. I never finished high school actually.  I dropped out a few months before I would have graduated. No idea why but I did.

Few months after dropping out, I started working for Ladenburg Capital Investment Firm. I trained for 3 months, studied 18 hours per day and became a Series 7 and Series 63 licensed investment banker.  I took the Series 7 then took a mini vacation at Atlantic City with my girl where I studied for the Series 63. 2 days later, I came back, took the 63 and passed it with flying colors. I opened 5 or 6 accounts (…needed to open 10 total to be on my own — just like in the movie Boiler Room) and then quit. Before quitting, I purchased $50,000 worth of stock on margin and lost almost my entire life savings as the stock market crashed.

I ended up at Nassau Community College. They let me take my high school classes and receive a high school diploma all while receiving college credit.  Had I known that was possible, I’d have dropped out years before I did. I was a C student my entire life. All through high school and college. I studied for my CompTIA A+ and CompTIA Network+ during college. I’d read outside on my deck and study my ass off. I could barely pass a basic college exam but I seemed to pass all of these somewhat difficult certification tests.

After NCC, I must’ve switched between eight colleges and spent 1 year in Florida at Florida Atlantic University. Yep. One year and then came back. Was a cool experience. First girl I met out there I hooked up with and she vomited all over me while hooking up. Took a motorcycle driving course and got licensed to drive a bike.  Had my first 3-some (with 2 women) and had a good time. I freelanced PC/Computer repair while working for CMS Solutions or something like that. They are a computer repair franchise. I also worked at an optical shop carving lenses and putting tint around the edges. I was fired for complaining about my salary. Came back to NY shortly after.

Finished up college at Adelphi University.  Bachelors in Business Management with a specialization in International Business. Most useless piece of paper (& money spent)  ever.

OK. I think I’m done here. The next section you’ll want to read is the 22-25 years of age post.